CONVICTED!!!!!!!

Wow!  Okay, I have to share what just happened to me...  

I bought a piece of carrot cake last night from the Celebrate Recovery table at church.  I knew at the time I did not need it.  My friend Shane even walked in as I was scanning the table and said "You don't need that." I looked up and spouted off all my rationalizations to her as she walked by.  Then I paid for my cake, 3 cookies, a Diet Dr. Pepper (yuck!) for my husband, grabbed a bottle of water for me (it is healthy, right?), and walked out the door.  Mike and I shared the cookies and I ate half the piece of carrot cake.  I wrapped up the rest with the intentions of eating it later.  

This morning as I was taking my daughter to school I noticed that I had accidentally left the cake in my front seat.  I immediately thought "Mmm... that will make an AWESOME breakfast!"  The rest of the way to and from her school I thought about that stupid piece of cake.  On Mondays, C goes to a different school for GT and I always LOVE taking her because I get to see the lake in the mornings.  It is always amazing and makes me reflect on how blessed we are to be back here in our hometown.  

Want to hear something sad?  I was so obsessed with this cake that I honestly do not even remember noticing anything about the lake this morning except two men fishing on a boat that was pretty close to the causeway that I have to cross to get back into town. 

HOW PATHETIC IS THAT???

So I get home, clean up the kitchen from the before school craziness, and stick the half eaten piece of cake in the freezer to chill it quickly.  I really like cold desserts with warm coffee, and I just knew that this would be the perfect breakfast during my quiet time.

I get out all my Bibles (I use several different versions when studying) and get the table all situated to sit, read, and enjoy my yummy breakfast treat.  

CONFESSION:  I mostly just wanted to eat the cake and get on with the rest of it so I would have done my daily duty of ready scripture.  I know... HORRIBLE ATTITUDE!!!

I get the cake out of the freezer and it is chilled to the perfect temperature.  Yippee!  I top off my coffee and sit down.  Then, I open up my prayer journal and begin writing.  All of a sudden I feel this guilt.  I glance over and see the cake and think "That's really not a good breakfast."  I begin praying for all the things on my list.

As I am sitting here praying I think about how I really should be praying aloud.  I do not know about you, but when I pray aloud it is just... well... different.  This may sound silly to you, but I feel a stronger connection when my prayers are actually spoken aloud.  Not only do I feel a connection, but I typically feel more conviction.  I guess it is because I am audibly admitting my depravity before God and myself.  So I then begin praying aloud... the tears begin to flow.  

This is typical for me.  I tend to be a pretty emotional person.  It is simply how HE made me.  Sometimes I love it (like during prayer) and sometimes I hate it (like when I am angry).  So I sit here and pray and cry.  It is wonderful!  My attitude about my quiet time ALWAYS changes after prayer, especially after praying aloud.  It is like my mind is saying "Okay, Lord, I'm sorry for having such a cruddy attitude about spending time with you.  I'm ready... speak to me.", and then I dive into the Word.  HIS WORD.

I grab my ESV Bible.  This is the one I always begin with.  I feel like it is more accurate than NIV, NLT, or The Message because it is a more literal, "word for word" translation.  The others are "phrase for phrase".  I have this wonderful ESV that was a gift from my brother and sister in law.  It is a journaling Bible, so there are large lined side margins to jot down all my notes and thoughts as I study.

Today is April 23rd, so I flip open to Proverbs 23.  I begin to read...

"When you sit down to eat with a ruler, observe carefully what is before you, and put a knife to your throat if you are given to appetite.  Do not desire his delicacies, for they are deceptive food..."

Hmm... I glance over at the cake.  "You don't need that."  I first think.  Then "It's only half a piece, and once it's gone it's gone.  No big deal."  

I look at these first few verses again and decide to read again in another version.  Quickly, I shove the first bite of cake into my mouth.  Grabbing the NIV I read "When you sit to dine with a ruler, note well what is before you, and put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony..."  I immediately think "gross... what am I doing?"  

Keep in mind I'm still chewing at this point.

Then I move on to the NLT "When dining with a ruler, pay attention to what is put before you, big eater..."  Swallow... gag!  "Seriously?! WHAT are you doing you "BIG EATER'?!" I think as I chunk the remaining cake in the TRASH!

Take that, carrot cake!

I know that this scripture most likely means that we should be careful when eating with an important individual and be cautious of what they may be trying to accomplish.  The thing is though, this morning that is not at all what it meant to me!

This morning, I sat down with MY ruler... my KING.  I was so overcome by this dumb piece of cake that I was giving in to this craving and allowing myself to cave into temptation that I KNEW good and well I did not NEED.  I seriously felt sick.  Like vomit sick.  My obsession was totally putting God on the back burner and causing me to focus on something other than HIM.  

So here I made one decision... one CHOICE to throw that mess away.  I also made the choice to gladly finish my quiet time CAKE FREE!  You know what I feel now?  JOY!  Thank you, Lord, for conviction to make a healthier decision!

I remember reading one time about a woman who prayed that each time asking God to allow her to be sick each time she ate something unhealthy.  Not like in a weird, eating disorder sort of way, just when she ate unhealthy things.. like CAKE.  I must admit, I thought this was a little crazy.  This morning though, I totally experienced some bad feelings that I KNOW were a result of conviction.  Has anything like this ever happened to you?  What do you think about that woman's prayer?